One last one

This one does not have a picture, and it is more simply about what is on my heart right now.

Let’s be honest, I’ve lost a lot of weight in the past couple weeks. I used to weigh under 100 pds when I was in Niger, and for some reason I thought that it was ok. I didn’t do anything to be that size, I was just really small! When I came to Cedarville I gained a healthy amount and then seemed to regulate my weight after that. Now, it’s all gone. And I feel weak, skinny and sometimes like a child.

I have been going to the gym every morning because I have to work out for one of my classes. I am also hoping that gaining muscle actually puts weight on me and that I won’t burn too many calories by working out. Even with this knowledge in mind, I feel like people are looking at me, watching me. Almost thinking to themselves ‘what business does she have in a gym when she is that size? Maybe she has some mental health problem and when she looks in the mirror all she sees is fat even though she is clearly way to thin!’ I know I have no business guessing what others are thinking. I have no business judging them that they are judging me. But that is what I feel.

My clothes are all too big for me, I feel like I am walking around in different colored giant sacks. It’s hard to feel beautiful. It is so strange to my mind because everything about this culture says to be thinner is to be more beautiful. But it’s not true. I don’t feel more beautiful. Someone says to me,  ‘Girl, you are so skinny!’ and all I can hear is ‘Girl, you do not look very nice anymore!’ I know that losing a few pounds does not make me any less of a person, any less of a woman, any less of a beauty. But it’s hard. It’s so hard to hold onto the idea that I AM BEAUTIFUL when my entire body has changed like I’ve gone through reverse puberty.

Anyways, just a little rant, and if you could just pray hard that my stomach/GI system heals ALL THE WAY, at least to the point that I can to my heart’s content and put some weight back on. And that my heart finds ultimate contentment in the God that created me as a beautiful woman.

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3 thoughts on “One last one

  1. You ARE beautiful, and it’s not just me that thinks so! But I know what you’re saying….back when I weighed less than 100 pounds I did everything I could to try to gain weight because people would refer to me as “skinny” not “slender”. I felt that they looked at me sidewise, thinking, “She must be anorexic”. And now I weigh more than I should, I wish I was thin. Because thin would be beautiful, right? I think these are Satan’s lies….he wants us to be down on ourselves because then we are looking at Me instead of at Jesus. And no matter how much your mother or your fiance tells you you are beautiful, there is still something inside going, “They think that because they love me, but I want everybody to think I’m beautiful”. But I don’t think I, Theo, Dad or anybody else thinks your beautiful just because we love you, but also because you really are beautiful. But even if you weren’t beautiful, we wouldn’t love you less.
    ” But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”
    I Samuel 16:7
    “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” I John 3:1 Think of how much He loves you!! He LAVISHES His love on you!
    And we’re continuing to pray that you would feel completely well and be able to eat properly again. And thanks for being so honest.

  2. Debra says:

    I kind of can relate to that feeling of being judged. I feel like when I go there it’s “what is that fat girl doing in a gym? I guess she realized she’s huge.” So I totally understand what you mean!

    But honestly Suz, when you came to Cedarville, before I even really knew you that well, I just viewed it as “that’s just how she looks”. It didn’t make you any less beautiful to me. You are outwardly beautiful, and inwardly beautiful. =)

    God knows you’re beautiful, because He made you! Listen for Him telling you that every day!

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