This one does not have a picture, and it is more simply about what is on my heart right now.
Let’s be honest, I’ve lost a lot of weight in the past couple weeks. I used to weigh under 100 pds when I was in Niger, and for some reason I thought that it was ok. I didn’t do anything to be that size, I was just really small! When I came to Cedarville I gained a healthy amount and then seemed to regulate my weight after that. Now, it’s all gone. And I feel weak, skinny and sometimes like a child.
I have been going to the gym every morning because I have to work out for one of my classes. I am also hoping that gaining muscle actually puts weight on me and that I won’t burn too many calories by working out. Even with this knowledge in mind, I feel like people are looking at me, watching me. Almost thinking to themselves ‘what business does she have in a gym when she is that size? Maybe she has some mental health problem and when she looks in the mirror all she sees is fat even though she is clearly way to thin!’ I know I have no business guessing what others are thinking. I have no business judging them that they are judging me. But that is what I feel.
My clothes are all too big for me, I feel like I am walking around in different colored giant sacks. It’s hard to feel beautiful. It is so strange to my mind because everything about this culture says to be thinner is to be more beautiful. But it’s not true. I don’t feel more beautiful. Someone says to me, ‘Girl, you are so skinny!’ and all I can hear is ‘Girl, you do not look very nice anymore!’ I know that losing a few pounds does not make me any less of a person, any less of a woman, any less of a beauty. But it’s hard. It’s so hard to hold onto the idea that I AM BEAUTIFUL when my entire body has changed like I’ve gone through reverse puberty.
Anyways, just a little rant, and if you could just pray hard that my stomach/GI system heals ALL THE WAY, at least to the point that I can to my heart’s content and put some weight back on. And that my heart finds ultimate contentment in the God that created me as a beautiful woman.