Let me tell you something about myself. I love justice. Now, let me explain myself. This may sound like a wonderful, Christian quality, but I am starting to learn how detrimental it is to my faith and my walk as a Christian. I know that it is not all bad, but it is humorous how badly my yearns for the cause of justice.
Dictionary.com defines justice as the quality of being right or admirable, to act or treat fairly, or to acquit in accordance with one’s abilities or potentialities.
I think that because of where I grew up, I do in face have a deep sense of justice for the poor and those in society who are at a great disadvantage simply because they were born into it. I think that this is an injustice, and I will probably spend most of my life helping these types of people, whether in America or overseas.
I have a deep sense of judgement in Kindergarten. When a child continuously does what I ask him or her to do, I find it easy to allow him or her to slip out to get a drink or go to the bathroom. But when a child does not listen, does not pay attention, does not seem to care, and then asks me to go to the bathroom….FORGET IT, KID, YOU DESERVE TO SUFFER!!! Haha, I am obviously not that bad, but that what my heart is inclined towards!!!
I have a deep sense of judgement in how others treat me. I am an overachiever, and love to put 110% into every task that am assigned. And I like to be rewarded for the exact amount of work that I have done. I always feel that whatever I put into something, I should get just that much out. I feel like if I get in trouble, it should be about something that I actually did, not something that may have happened. I have the strongest sense of conscious…I always have to think through whether something is RIGHT or WRONG before I do it. Now, as you can see, these can be really good things, but they can also be really restricting things. Thinking about right and wrong is good, but sometimes I just think about it and it kills a lot of fun that I could be having. I have a very bad attitude when I get in trouble for something that I don’t think I should be in trouble for. That happened in a major way this week when one of my professors told me that he was embarrassed and ashamed of my behavior. The behavior was that I didn’t call in sick to the school, and I thought that this was a little bit over the top for him to say to me! However, now that I look back on the situation I realize that I was just offended by my sense of justice…I didn’t think that I deserved to have those things said to me, and if affected me in huge ways.
Do you want to know the major way in which this sense of justice gets in my way as a Christian? Here it is, the hardest truth for me to accept:
I DON’T DESERVE ANYTHING.
Yep, that’s right. My deep sense of justice tells me that since I made the RIGHT decisions and since I have good behavior, I deserve something. Like approval. Or a pat on the back. Or a ticket to heaven. And when I start to believe that, I have thrown the gospel out the window and am living based on works.
I am so thankful that the Lord is revealing this in my heart at this time and that I can begin to work on these things. I hope that I will use my sense of justice in powerful ways for the Kingdom, and not simply to further my ‘rights’ and punish my ‘wrongs’.