I am terrified.
I have made idols.
I’ve already made so many mistakes in this area THIS YEAR that I can hardly count them.
I had my first breakdown of the year last night.
I have never really struggled with deep anger or resentment, but it is starting to build in my heart towards one particular person.
All about student teaching.
I was SO excited about this semester before I got to it. I was SO excited to just be teaching the WHOLE time, loving the kiddos and having my own classroom for the first time ever. But right now the reality seems much different. I wake up every morning with a number in my head: today is was 3. 3 days until student teaching starts. I can’t hardly focus on my baking or my relaxing or my crafting because I am so nervous.
I met my teacher, I met the kids. I love them. I love teaching, and I am not worried one bit about that part. And you may think that is the only thing that I have to do during student teaching. But I am learning on a daily basis that there is so much more than that. There is seminars. There is driving to and from school. There is another class on top of it. There is matching Common Core Standards with other standards. There is completing the EdTPA and a portfolio in order to be licensed.
I journaled this morning about it, turning over my heart to God (once again). Telling him that I trust him and that I cling to Him. But that is easy to say right now, when I am on break. I am terrified that once the exhaustion and the stress set it, I will read His words but not chew on them, meditate on them, cling to them.
I can’t give a lot of details, although I really want to. I want you to be as angry at that person as I am. I want you to feel terribly sorry for me and to want to encourage me. But that is not fair. That is not right. That is hateful and exactly what Christ would not want me to do.
But since I have confessed these fears, these feeling of resentment, these deep worries, will you pray for me as I beginning student teaching on Monday? Pray that I will enjoy these last three days with my husband (and my best friend is here visiting!). Pray that i will not be anxious about anything, but that I will instead TRUST in HIM. Pray that I will be able to reflect on how much God has forgiven me in order to forgive those who I feel have wronged me. And pray that no matter what, I will not make student teaching my idol.