According to Wickipedia, there are 8 basic emotions:
As my graduation from college quickly approaches, I am feeling all of these. On a huge level. You know when you drink something super caffinated or super sugary, and then about 20 minutes later you can literally feel the engergy coursing through your body? That is how each of these emotions feel right. Sometimes more than one at the same time. Sometimes opposite ones, like fear and trust at the same time, like joy and sadness at the same time. In huge doses. I am sure any graduating senior knows exactly how that feels.
I’m going to be completely open and honest in this blog post, and if you don’t want to read a lot of overflowing emotions- skip this one. I started this blog as a way to write my thoughts and feelings, and that is exactly what I need to do this afternoon.
Fear- the thing that I fear the most is my future. Where will we go? Where will the money come from? How will we pay our loans? When will we have kids? Will I make friends after this? Will Theo and I be ‘lovers’ until we are old, or will one of us die or (*gasp* I am sharing my FEARS here—) be unfaithful? Will I actually survive student teaching? My list of fears could go on and on and on. God’s Word has a lot to say about my fears- for a great list of verses check out The Womens Bible Cafe.
My personal favorite that I will cherish as these thoughts of fear well up and threaten to overwhelm me is 2 Timothy 1:7:
“God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline.”
Anger- Of the 8 emotions, this one is probably the one that I have the least of. And, yet– it still rises to the surface. I get angry when I don’t get my way. I get angry when I don’t get praised in student teaching, when I didn’t get the highest honor cords, but only the high honor ones (yeah, I know—really, Suz???). I get angry at Moose when he knocks over my glass of water or has to chew on anything that is laminated (and I’m a teacher…EVERYTHING is laminated). I get angry when I think about how “unfair” this semester has been- how I feel like I have done twice as much work as the average student. Hey, I’m not saying that these feeling are right or justified- I’m just saying that I have them. I guess what happens to me is that I get ANGRY at all the little things. The little things that I think are injustices in my life. I don’t burst out in anger, but instead I let it grow inside of me in the form of bitterness, of comparing myself to others and seeking the attention for “all the things gone wrong.” Sheesh, really…just writing that makes me realize how incredibly wrong it is!
“Make every effort to live at peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”
Sadness- Well, I am sad that the closing of this chapter of my life means saying goodbye to so many. As an MK, I have said goodbye to every single friend I know many times, and no matter how many times I do it, it doesn’t seem to get easier. I get “better” at dealing with it– meaning that I get better at acting like I know how to deal with it, but deep down inside it still hurts like nobody’s business. We all say goodbye in different ways- some people cling, some people distance themselves, and some people pick something right in the middle- maybe clinging with physical presence, but becoming distant in mind, or maybe clinging with the mind and becoming distant with presence. I am most certainly the latter, and I am writing this to confess that no matter how “together” I seem to have it, I am sad that I am saying goodbye to say many friends.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
“Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”
Joy- Oh, this emotion is also coursing through me! Joy of where I am in life, how incredibly good God is, where he has led me and grown me. His faithfulness, His love, His salvation- all of these things that I could not live without. Joy that I am so close to graduating. Joy that the weather is warm outside, that I have started running again and that it feels SO. GOOD. Joy I see in my kids faces when I pull out the play-dough and the whole lesson goes AWESOME. Joy when that group that actually gets it! Joy when my husband walks in the door after we have both been at work all day. Joy when I wake up to a purring kitty-cat who looooves me. =) So many things to be joyful and thankful for!
“Come let us sing for joy to the Lord; let us shout aloud to the rock of our salvation.”
Since I have a buncha lesson plans to write, I am going to stop there for today. Part II will be continued tomorrow or Friday. Tune in to hear more about the crazy emotions that i feel as I finish student teaching in 3 weeks and graduate in just 3 1/2 weeks!